2012... A Hollywood Hoax?

Remember the 2012 movie we talked about a few weeks ago? Well Joel Achenbach, of the Washington Post, has suggested that December 21st, 2012 is all just one big hoax.

Some quotes from his piece:

"The world is coming to an end.
In, like, 4 or 5 billion years. The sun will get old and cranky and eventually immolate the entire planet.
The world, however, is not coming to an end on Dec. 21, 2012, contrary to the viral Internet rumor propounded by pseudo-scientists, hoaxers, Hollywood movie promoters and assorted void-between-the-ears people who wouldn't recognize a scientific fact if it tried to abduct them."

Excuse me Mr. Achenbach, but I am not a pseudo scientist, a hoaxer, and I certainly do not work for Hollywood (yet). And trust me, I know science when I see it. I am certainly not void between the ears. If you'd like, I can go dig up my 1600 SAT scores and you can meet my beautiful wife. (Tinfoil hatters don't usually score perfect 10s). Perhaps you just need to open your eyes a little bit wider and accept that some things are outside the realm of your understanding.

"As with all pseudo-science, the real science provides a platform from which the human imagination soars to great heights of irrationality."

And as with any Style story at the Washington Post the paper soars to new heights of uselessness.


[image via the2012countdown.com]

Large Hadron Terrorist

*

Holy Shit! Scary news out of France.

A researcher working at CERN's Large Hadron Collider was arrested last week with suspected ties to terrorist group al-Qaeda.

According to the BBC:

"The 32-year-old man of Algerian descent was one of two brothers detained in the south-east town of Vienne on Thursday.

Police believe they had been in contact over the internet with people linked to al-Qaeda in the Islamic Maghreb, and had been planning attacks in France.

Cern's Large Hadron Collider is aiming to recreate conditions of the Big Bang.

The organisation confirmed that a physicist working at its site had been arrested "under suspicion of links to terrorist organisations", and said it was helping the French police with their investigation." (bbc)

Who knows what this (alleged) monster would have been capable of. The fact that the LHC is going to destroy us all without any terrorists--except for those loony scientists at CERN--working there is scary enough. Time to duck and cover. Thank you France for arresting this guy before he powered up the collider and fired two dirty quarks** together to create a super-duper black hole that would destroy the universe.


*Tram driver image not likely to actually be the alleged terrorist, but you never know.

**I have been told by our science correspondent that "dirty quarks" do not (yet) exist, even though there are tons of other weird quark types. But when scientists find the next type of quark they totally should call them "dirty."

Robotic Bees at Harvard -- Watch Out Yale!

We talk about bees a lot here at EIGN. But we think this story may be the scariest of all.

"Harvard researchers recently got a $10 million grant to create a colony of flying robotic bees." (network world)

ROBOTIC BEES?? Here's the reasoning, according to a network world magazine blog...

"The 5-year, National Science Foundation-funded RoboBee project could lead to a better understanding of how to artificially mimic the unique collective behavior and intelligence of a bee colony; foster novel methods for designing and building an electronic surrogate nervous system able to deftly sense and adapt to changing environments; and advance work on the construction of small-scale flying mechanical devices, according to the Harvard RoboBee Web site."

"Apparently though the RoboBees will lack one thing regular bees are known for, a stinger." Okay so maybe the first generation won't have stingers but what happens after they start reproducing--then we are really screwed. RUN!

Does anyone else think it is useless to create robotic bees if they are not going to help with the pollination problem we are starting to face?

[image via freaking news]

The Great, Late, Pumpkin

Global warming (cough) has apparently struck again. This time with the pumpkin. Looks like in some parts of the country there are not going to be enough pumpkins to go around.

"The jack-o'-lantern outlook in New England and parts of the Midwest looks a fright. A combination of wet and cold ruined a bunch of the pumpkin crop, and what's left in some fields is taking its own sweet time to ripen." (msnmoney)

In related news, apparently wearing a condom can help save the planet. Maybe you should try just keeping it in your pants, for once.

[thanks to eign reader j. for the heads up on this story]

Facebook Status: Busy Robbing House.

Let us meet the stupidest of the stupid criminals ever: Jonathan G. Parker, a 19 year old in West Virginia, decided to stop and update his facebook page on the computer in the house he was robbing.

Everyone, please proceed to find this guy on facebook, friend him and write on his "wall": "You are a stupid moron."

No More Scary Sounds From Above or Below: Good News Wednesday!

Great news for those of you with attractive, sexually active roommates.

They are officially no longer able to have sex while you're in the room.

Take that George*! If we were roommates this year at Tufts University you wouldn't be having all that sex on the bunk below me. I still think I'm scared for life.

While this is a step in the right direction for Tufts, now we just need them -- and all schools for that matter -- to start acting like Boston College... "'As a Catholic university, we do not allow cohabitation in our residence halls,' Boston College spokesman Jack Dunn said."

Thanks Boston College for making this a violation of the dorm code of conduct. I'm sure no one is having sex in the dorms there, as opposed to those horny sinners at Tufts.

*George's name changed for obvious reasons.

[image via fugly.com]

2012: THE MOVIE ARE YOU KIDDING ME???

HOLY SHIT! Finally some VINDICATION!
Looks like the Mainstream Media are beginning to catch on... in a big screen, big budget, hollywood kind of way:

I saw this in the subway yesterday:

[12/21/2012 can't come soon enough.]

I wasn't sure if it was a reference to the end of times as predicted by the Mayans but I came to work today and searched for it.


IT'S A MAJOR MOTION PICTURE arriving this November.

"Plot
A global cataclysm occurs which leads to the end of the world and has survivors struggling for their lives, while a US government agency called the "Institute for Human Continuity" attempts to use ships to ensure the survival of the human race.

The film is inspired by several hypotheses that state that the ancient Mayan predicted a doomsday event would occur sometime around the 2012 northern hemisphere winter solstice." (wikipedia)

Trailer here:



Website here.

More info here.

WOW.

You can be sure that EIGN will keep you abreast of this developing story over the next few days and months.

When It Gets Too Blue.... Black Out.

The UK government is saying their country may be facing blackouts by 2016 because viable "green" alternative energy technologies are not progressing quickly enough.

Sucks for them.

[photo]

Now It's Not Even Safe To Shower

According to Nicholas Wade over at the New York Times it's not even safe to shower anymore.

"There are some things it is better just not to think about. Like the 10,000 bacteria you inhale with each breath in the average office building. Or the 10 million bacteria in each glass of tap water. Microbiologists have now added something else to the list of things too gross to contemplate: the deluge of bacteria that hit your face and flow deep into your lungs in the morning shower."

Awesome.

Is there anywhere left that isn't dangerous?

Blame It All On El Nino!

1918 Swine Flu caused by El Nino! (Well, sort of)

"It seems probable that mortality from influenza was high in India because of famine associated with drought, so it is likely that El Niño contributed to the high mortality from influenza in India."

The flu epidemic of 1918, commonly called the "Spanish Flu," is believed to be the greatest medical holocaust in history. It lasted from March of 1918 to June of 1920, and about 500 million people worldwide became infected, with the disease killing between 25 million to 100 million, most of them young adults. (science daily)

[original artwork by EIGN co-founder pete]

Transgendered Bass (WTF?)

Turns out male fish are becoming female.

"Government scientists figure that one out of five male black bass in American river basins have egg cells growing inside their sexual organs, a sign of how widespread fish feminizing has become." (AP via wapo)

What this means for humans has yet to be determined but I'm sure it can't be good.

[photo]

Sorry Ladies... It Must Be(cup) True

Attention female EIGN readers, it turns out men really do look at your boobs first, or so Australia's The Daily Telegraph recently said.

And to make matters worse, "not only are breasts often the first thing men look at, they also glance at them for longer than any other body part."


[ed. note: This story seems to just add to the pile of evidence about the decline of all morality-and respect-in our society, but one could also argue that men looking at women tends to actually aid the progress of the human race and not further it's demise. oh whatever.]

[photo by flickr user themacinator via stuff hipsters hate]

Good News Wednesday: 9/9/09 And The End

(check out that tinfoil hat!!!)

9/9/09. That's today's date. But it seems that a lot of people on you tube think it may be the last day of the world. Stay tuned...

The San Fran Chronicle seems to think so.

"Sept. 9, 2009 — or 9/9/09 — is inspiring a number of events Wednesday: discounts on weddings, impassioned doomsday predictions and the release of the Beatles' whole, re-mastered catalog and a Fab Four-themed videogame." (sfgate)

Although ABC news seems to think it could be your lucky day.


Tin Foil Hat Lady on 9/9/09

More Slim Jim News (I just know you CARE!)

In case anyone, anywhere, is out there following the slim jim debacle, here are a few more pictures taken at two different WAWA's over labor day weekend.




(Jack Link's... hurry up and get more out flavors out there. Now is your chance to shine!)


Compare that against pictures taken in July and August.

What happens if they, gulp, run out of slim jims? Does the world end? We may find out because it's getting close. Stay tuned for more updates. And if you see any slim jim displays that are either empty, or full, snap a picture and send it our way at eign@earthisgoingnova.com.

Oh My My! The Great Pacific Garbage Patch!

Another story that's been beaten to death that we're going to resurrect because the washington post has decided to. Last July (and November) we posted stories about the giant pacific ocean garbage dump. The "Great Pacific Garbage Patch," if you will.

Last week the wapo ran a story about it.


Today I'm doing my blivic (blog-civic) duty by passing the link on to you. What's that? You don't care? Well. You should. As Science Daily said earlier in August, we're damaging the ocean in "profound" ways.

"Man-made carbon emissions 'are affecting marine biological processes from genes to ecosystems over scales from rock pools to ocean basins, impacting ecosystem services and threatening human food security,' the study by Professor Mike Kingsford of the ARC Centre of Excellence for Coral Reef Studies and James Cook University and colleague Dr Andrew Brierley of St Andrews University, Scotland, warns." (science daily)

Suck.


The ironic part of this is that while you are sitting at your computer reading this I'm sitting in the ocean swimming around garbage and soaking in the salt air and solar death rays from the sun.

Have a great holiday weekend everyone. We'll see you back here next week. If the world hasn't ended yet. By large meteor/comet attack. Or the LHC created black hole. Or sharks with freakin' laser beams. Or swine flu. Or GIANT MAN EATING PLANTS!

[photo by usoceangov]

Again With The Ice?

Haven't we talked about this enough yet?

No!



It's (still) getting warmer in the arctic.

"Human-generated greenhouse gas emissions have helped reverse a 2,000-year trend of cooling in the Arctic, prompting warmer average temperatures in the past decade that now rank higher than at any time since 1 B.C., according to a new study published Thursday in the online version of the journal Science." (wapo)

[Photo by flickr user salendron]

Guest Post: Ignorance

This guest post was written by friend of EIGN jg3.


Throughout history there are lots of things that people have used as indications that the world was going to end, with various results (see also: http://hasthelargehadroncolliderdestroyedtheworldyet.com/)

But the clearest indication I've seen yet that the Earth is destined for a horrible future is the capacity of humans to maintain their ignorance:

[image via here]

[jg3 is the creative force behind a number of hilarious, if rarely updated, blogs.]

Slim Jims Slimming.

We have posted a few times about the destruction of a slim jim factory (and there is surprisingly only one in the US) and how it would lead to a shortage of slim jims this summer.

A few weeks later we posted photographic evidence that there was, in fact, no shortage.

Turns out that that proclamation may have been a bit premature.

Take a look at the latest photographic evidence:

Compare that to the previous slim jim at the convenience store photograph


There are so few slim jims they had to put out another brand of salted "beef" stick. Matador, now is your chance to shine!!!

Hallf of US (us) to die!

Headline on the washingon post today: Swine Flu Could Infect Half of U.S.

Holy shit !

understatement of the year:

"This is going to be fairly serious," said Harold E. Varmus of Memorial Sloan-Kettering Cancer Center in New York" (washpost)

fairly!? really?

Okay, We Get It: Nobody Fucking Knows

For Christs sake, can someone please answer the question: Is it or is it not melting.

The washington post says it's 86 degrees somewhere in the western Arctic-1500 miles north of seatle--and that a lot of ice is melting. A lot of ice. "The Arctic Ocean has given up tens of thousands more square miles (square kilometers) of ice on Sunday in a relentless summer of melt, with scientists watching through satellite eyes for a possible record low polar ice cap." (wapo)

Full Story here.
Awesome Photo Via Flickr user jimbrekke.

Death Delayed Again: GOOD NEWS TUESDAY!

The Large Hadron Collider is experiencing even more problems! Sweet. Take that you wanna-be black-hole creating monster!

"Many of the magnets meant to whiz high-energy subatomic particles around a 17-mile underground racetrack have mysteriously lost their ability to operate at high energies." (nytimes)

It could now take "years, if ever," before it can operate at full power.

What have we learned from this little financial and scientific fiasco? God doesn't like it when humans invent another way to destroy themselves so he causes minor, yet crippling, electrical connection problems. Thank you Jesus!


[image via boston.com]

Killer Robots!

Scientists Worry Machines May Outsmart Man (nytimes)

At a recent conference in California leading robotics and AI experts spent a few days discussing the future of their fields. And they "generally discounted the possibility of highly centralized superintelligences and the idea that intelligence might spring spontaneously from the Internet. But they agreed that robots that can kill autonomously are either already here or will be soon."

I'd like one please!

The Government Wants Me Dead

Attention US GOVERNMENT:

I am currently suffering from some or all of the following symptoms:
* hay fever or other upper respiratory allergies
* sneezing
* runny nose
* itchy, watery eyes
* itching of the nose or throat
* nasal congestion due to the common cold, hay fever or other upper respiratory allergies
* swelling of nasal passages
* sinus congestion and pressure
* poor breathing through the nose

In order to temporarily relieve some or all of these symptoms I purchased Claritin-D at my local pharmacy. To do this I was required to show photo identification, have said identification scanned and entered into the computer three different times (likely due to CVS incompetence), sign some electronic device saying something that I did not have time to read because of too quick a timeout, and then actually have to pay 20 bucks for 15 pills.

Why do you require such information for me to buy 15 pills? I am not planning on making the smallest portion of meth ever. Get off my back and let me attempt to breathe in peace.

Thank you.

Slim Jims Everywhere

A few weeks ago we posted about how Slim Jims are going to be an endangered species this summer.

NOT TRUE!

Just take a look at this picture taken at a WAWA in New Jersey:



I see Orignal, Mild, Tabasco Hot, Nacho, Sinister (Double the Meat!), Beef 'n Cheese, Deli Style Meat Stick, Beef Jerky Original, Beef Steak (Teriyaki), and Beef Steak Original.


Slim Jims for everyone!

Why We Rock (Again)

Once again the "Main Street Media" lags behind EIGN...

Last Thursday we wrote about British Health officials promoting sex in their schools.
Yesterday the Washington Post ran it.

Go mainstream! Get your news weeks later!

WTF is Going On In Alaska: HUGE BLOB OF ARCTIC GOO?

The mystery has apparently been solved before this post went live:
The goo is "marine alge." (or that's what "they" want you to believe)

Original Post:

Holy Shit! Some blob of goo is floating around the waters of alaska and it has nothing to do with Sarah Palin, apparently. Says the Anchorage Daily News: "Huge blob of Arctic goo floats past Slope communities. IT'S NOT OIL: No one in the area can recall seeing anything like it before."

Further,

"Nobody knows for sure what the gunk is, but Petty Officer 1st Class Terry Hasenauer says the Coast Guard is sure what it is not.

"It's certainly biological," Hasenauer said. "It's definitely not an oil product of any kind. It has no characteristics of an oil, or a hazardous substance, for that matter.

"It's definitely, by the smell and the makeup of it, it's some sort of naturally occurring organic or otherwise marine organism." (adn)

So there is some sort of naturally occurring organic (or otherwise!) marine organism that nobody has seen before that is "thick and dark and gooey" that streches for MILES off the coast of alaska and nobody is concerned? Now I have three reasons not to go to Alaska.


[UPDATE 7-24-2009 9:44A]

EIGN contacted a local marine life expert (our very first actual, first person, foray in reporting), who spoke anonymously for fear of appearing as an official source on a "stupid blog," said "it was an algal bloom, but [it's] very rare for those to occur that far north."

The Sky Is Falling (Again) In The Arctic Ocean

Is it or is it not melting? That is the question.

Last summer we reported that the Arctic Ocean melted less in 2008 than it did in 2007 via a story in the NYtimes.

Yet now NASA says that a new survey reported dramatic ice thinning. (via science daily)

I'm so confused.

Why I'm Glad My Kid Does Not Go To School In The UK And Why I Will Never Let Her Visit There

The National Health Service in England sent out a leaflet to schools telling students "pupils they have a 'right' to an enjoyable sex life and that it is good for their health." (dailymail.co.uk)

Further,

"Under the heading 'an orgasm a day keeps the doctor away', the leaflet says: 'Health promotion experts advocate five portions of fruit and veg a day and 30 minutes physical activity three times a week. What about sex or masturbation twice a week?'"

Good News Wednesday: The Jim Could Actually Get Slim Edition

Slim Jim's are endangered.

"An explosion last month destroyed the only Slim Jim plant in the U.S." and they won't be producing any more slim jims until at least august. (msn money)

Now is your chance to slim up and eat healthy.

In a related shortage note, knob creek whiskey is also out of stock because of large demand. This, however, is not good news.

From The Field: Your Bees Are Probably Starving

An EIGN reader sent in this note from the field via the Northern Virgina Beekeeping class newsgroup:

Your bees are probably starving. That is if you own bees. However the implications for everyone else are obvious and have been reported here before. No food for bees? No food for us. Full EIGN bee coverage can be found here.

Our favorite part of the email: "Hungry bees can become angry, frustrated bees, they're spiteful, something did this to them, ah HA! It's her! That @#$%! Let's get her!"

----- Forwarded Message -----
From: xxxxx@yahoogroups.com
To: xxxxx@yahoogroups.com
Sent: Sunday, June 28, 2009 12:43:44 AM GMT -05:00 US/Canada Eastern
Subject: Your bees might be very hungry (solution = feed 'em)

Hi everyone,
This e-mail is going out to PWR club members, both seasoned and newbee alike. Over the past few days, I've visited several people's hives and mine too. We all have something in common. Our bees are STARVING. You may be fortunate to live in an area that still has a nectar flow, but the odds could be that your nectar has shut off. You need to eat, and so do your bees! If you don't feed, your queen won't lay to her potential, comb won't get drawn, your bees may rob other hives, or worse, your neighbor's sangria bar, or REALLY worse, your bees could die over time.

Here's the questions to ask yourself while you inspect:

1. If you recently put honey supers on, (which assumes you're not simultaneously feeding sugar water while your supers are on) are your bees drawing comb or storing nectar off their forage? (REMEMBER FROM CLASS: The term honey "supers" means YOUR honey, not your bees'--I'm not talking about the honey your bees are storing in the brood area.)

2. In your honey supers, are you finding empty comb, when only 2 weeks ago you saw honey/nectar in these combs?

3. When you go into the brood chamber and pull frames of honey are there clusters of bees arranged in a arc on the frame with their heads in cells at the edge of your capped honey, looking like horses gathered around a watering hole?

4. Do you notice "shiny" bees which don't look fuzzy or hairy at all, but their thorax and abdomen look like they were polished with a buffing cloth?

5. Are your bees suddenly queenless, with NO sign of queen cells in an emergency supersedure?

These are tell tale signs that your bees are very hungry.

Reference:
#1 above. Despite the rains we've had, despite the green lawn you have, the bees may be feeling a drought in some places. Is your location one of those places? Our northern Virginia nectar flow is coming to a screeching halt, I believe. If you get a fall flow where you live with Golden Rod and Aster, consider yourself lucky. Some folks think the rains in early June washed the nectar out of the dutch clover. You think your bees are getting nectar from dutch clover? You might want to check your honey supers to make sure.

#2 above. If your bees feel like there is a threat of "famine" they will take "your" honey above and store it down below. To the bees, honey serves one purpose and it ain't so you can enjoy your toast in the morning with some tasty miele. Their goal is to LIVE, to SURVIVE, just as all living things desire. They will serve their needs over yours, everytime, take that one to the bank.

#3 above. Your bees are feeding themselves. They feel the pinch. They're trying to tell you, "Feed me, and feed me lots!" They will use this honey to not only nourish themselves, but also to nourish (1) uncapped larvae, (2) uncapped queencells if any, (3) queens and (4) drones. Doesn't take long to figure out this resource is limited and precious.

#4 above. People think I'm making this one up. Trust me, & look closely when you inspect. Most of your bees are fuzzy. Some of your bees may be robbing other hives. When they go to raid another colony, they will be met with resistance usually. Fighting will break out, it is primeval, it is all about survival, nothing personal. You got what I want, and I need it, or I or my sisters will die next door, so LET ME HAVE IT. It's a war. Bees lose their hair in war, Not me I lost my hair raising kids, but your bees if they're bald will appear shiny and almost "blacker." These bees have been robbing other hives. Why? Because they're hungry. So please feed them. You wouldn't starve your dog, why starve your bugs?

#5 above. Hungry bees can become angry, frustrated bees, they're spiteful, something did this to them, ah HA! It's her! That @#$%! Let's get her! Ok, it may not be quite like this, but I've seen a hive kill their queen during a robbing frenzy. I think it's friendly fire, fratricide...maybe sororicide, who knows. You don't want this to happen to you. What can you do? Psssst..... hey, it's easy, FEED!

So by now, I hope everyone has the message loud and clear, if you see these signs pls feed feed feed FEED! If you don't, your bees might pay for it. If your bees don't kick the honey bucket by July, without syrup, then you're very lucky.

Breaking News: Swine Flu A Global Government Conspiracy To Rid Planet of Fat People

Today's breaking news. The earth is indeed going nova, but apparently only for the morbidly obese--at least this week.

H1N1 (ie: Swine Flu) is a government conspiracy to kill fat people.

"What it means for the U.S. population:
These findings are especially worrisome because nearly two-thirds of U.S. adults are now clinically obese. Combined with widespread vitamin D deficiency, nutritional deficiencies and pharmaceutically-induced immune suppression, the U.S. population is more vulnerable to a pandemic right now than any other population in the history of the world." (naturalnews.com)

Sucks to you.

The Stupidest Thing I've EVER Read

I'm not kidding. This really takes the cake.

Some idiot (Mark Pfeifle) over at the Christian Science Monitor suggested a few days ago that the latest,greatest social downfall of man networking site, twitter, should be awarded a Nobel Peace Prize for it's role in last month's Iranian uprising. (Note to Mark: You do realize that peace didn't win over there, right? Are you suggesting we start giving out Peace Prizes for people (and computer software, for that matter) that don't even bring peace?)

To make matters worse, the writing sucks too.

"Although we don't know how the uprising in Iran will end, or where the symbols of freedom and liberty will again be given power by people who require an unfettered means of communicating with the rest of us, Twitter and other social media outlets have become the soft weapons of democracy. Twitter told us the story of Neda's supreme sacrifice. It is telling the story of the Iranian people yearning to breathe free. For those reasons, Twitter deserves consideration for the Nobel Peace Prize." (CSM)

sigh.


In other twitter news, Time Magazine just ran a piece about "How Twitter Will Change The Way We Live." Which I think is a bit of an overstatement, but it was the most thought provoking pro-twitter article I've ever read.

And it was really well written:

"There's a kind of resilience here that is worth savoring. The weather reports keep announcing that the sky is falling, but here we are — millions of us — sitting around trying to invent new ways to talk to one another." (time)

Snippets: Guilt and Stealing and Cyber-Terrorism, Oh-My!

The latest trends foreshadowing the end:

*Guilt: Some idiot in Salt Lake City who stole a stop sign in his youth decided to pay the city back... 35 years later. (npr)

*And speaking of stealing, how about some massive identity theft, stat style: Social security numbers may be hackable. "Two researchers say they've figured out the code, and identity thieves might not be far behind." (msn)

*And speaking of hacking, how about some cyber-terrorism, NoKo style: "Cyberattacks that have crippled the Web sites of several major American and South Korean government agencies since the July 4th holiday weekend appear to have been launched by a hostile group or government." North Korea or pro-North Korea groups have been implicated according to Yonhap, a SoKo news agency. (nytimes)

(gone sitting. back after the 4th)

420 (This is Not Good News Wednesday)

File this one under the mankind is getting stupider by the second.

Some idiot tried to sell pot on craigslist. And he got busted. Go figure.

"According to police, Christopher Gray posted the advertisement on the online classified site with the words "420 help is here." The item read "Give me a ring if you need some help," and listed a phone number, which a detective called Friday and arranged for a meeting with Gray in Quincy." (ap)

Note to self: Don't post illegal things on Craigslist anymore.

I'm Not Afraid Of Global Warming

It's not global warming we here at EIGN are afraid of, it's the idiots that still don't think it's actually happening. We all (should) know that if we don't do anything about it we'll have done a pretty good job of changing this planets environment in an adverse way. And this will, unquestionably, cause significant changes in our lives. Florida may be completely under water--although it remains to be seen if this is actually a bad thing.

Global warming may, or may not, be the death of us all. Frankly I don't think we're going to make it to 2100 to see, but that's besides the point. But global warming isn't what scares me. It's the fucking idiots that continue to insist that it isn't happening.

The "Heartland Institute" ran a full page ad in yesterday's washington post (seen to your left) that says that scientists are avoiding using the scientific method and are using fear tactics to pressure Congress into enacting laws to protect us. However they say "an international survey of climate scientists found that few than half believed climate science was sufficiently established to give policymakers a sound basis for passing laws." Wow, a survey of "climate scientists" say that global warming isn't happening. But they don't mention anything about the numerous reports and years of study that were "repeated and verified" (you probably shouldn't have crossed that one out) by various government and non-government agencies that say global warming IS happening. Read more about a refutation of this, and other heartland institute "facts" at capital weather, a wapo blog.

Let it be known! This is what I screamed from my roof after seeing this advertisement... Global warming of the earth doesn't scare me. It's people like those at the heartland institute that are actually, and actively, causing the fall of man.

Good News Wednesday: The We'll Bee Fine Edition

Bees are on our mind after seeing the front page of the Washington Post today and just reading a story on National Geographic yesterday. So when I tried to find the link to the NG story I came across a post by Thedailygreen.com from January that reported that we should (almost) stop worrying about Colony Collapse Disorder. Or not. But at least Beekeepers in the US have more bees than anytime, ever... in the last 3 years.

The other positive news is that major urban areas are seeing an increase in bee keeping. The roofs and parks of New York City and Washington, DC are becoming an increasingly popular place to harvest them. At least according to the Washington Post today. Who stole the story about NYC bees from National Geographic on May 29th, who actually stole the NYC bee story from the New York Times in 1999.

At any rate. This is your good news of the week.

As an aside, I was going to write up a review of last night's ABC News presentation of Earth 2100, their program about the end of the world, but it was so painful to watch that I couldn't make it through more than 5 minutes. There's my review, I guess.

ABC?!?! WTF ? EIGN??

HOLY SHIT! ABC is airing a program called "Earth 2100: The Final Century of Civilization?" tomorrow night. Tuesday, June 2!. (ie: tomorrow). at 9pm EST.

Holy crap. Wow. Full web information here.

"It's an idea that most of us would rather not face -- that within the next century, life as we know it could come to an end. Our civilization could crumble, leaving only traces of modern human existence behind. It seems outlandish, extreme -- even impossible. But according to cutting edge scientific research, it is a very real possibility. And unless we make drastic changes now, it could very well happen. " (abcnews.com)

The world really must be ending. Network TV is airing a show about the world ending. Wow.

Are You Out There? We Are Here.

One of my all time musical heroes, and more recently a literary one, Dr. Frank (aka Frank Portman) summed up a few weeks ago why he hadn't been updating his web log enough. And I want to quote part of it here because it sums up why EIGN has been missing the last few months.

"Basically, I've been lost in the novel-writing vortex. Has that ever happened to you? While you're vortexing, coming up with interesting or witty things to post on your blog is the last thing on your mind, and may actually be physically impossible." (full quote here)

And while we haven't been writing a book (yet), we have been lost in a mind-numbing vortex the last six weeks or so. I really want to promise that we'll be back with more updates, slowly, over the next few weeks. I don't like to make promises so I'm not going to. But there will be Good News Wednesday stories again soon.

Good News Wednesday - The Mothers Day Edition

Good News Moms. Have you lost a little bit--or a lot--of your figure? Are you tired of your daughter getting all of the attention? Good News! Now you can get plastic surgery to look like her.

In what has to be the freakiest story we've ever run at EIGN. A 50 year old woman in Britian spent more than 10,000 dollars on plastic sugery to look like her daughter.

Here's the before picture:


And here's the after picture:



One word of advice to other would be prosthetic Moms: Don't make the same mistake this woman did. Make sure your daughter is cute before spending a lot of money to look like her. Idiots.

[pictures via sfgate.com]

Swine Flu 2

Doihaveswineflu.org ?
Yes.

Monica Hesse, of the Washington Post, writes this in today's paper:

"We are being ridiculous. We know we are being ridiculous. We cannot stop being ridiculous."

If by "we" she means the media, then yes, she's right. But, if she means the population at large, then she is dead wrong. Sure everyone is panicking at the slightest cough. Sure you've seen people walking around in surgical masks. Sure you want to either keep your kids home from school or keep your kids at school, away of home. But people... this may be the end. And if it isn't, at least it's good practice for when the next one happens.

Be afraid of getting the flu, but for the love of god stop watching television. Be scared of your neighbors, not that douche bag on CNN.

Swine Flu 1

Contrary to how it may seem by the number of posts in the last few weeks, none of your EIGN writers have died of swine flu yet.

But I would just like to point out that we told you so. I could link to individual EIGN posts about the coming end of the world but that's exactly what this entire blog is about. We haven't written about it because EVERYONE ELSE IN THE WORLD already is. But...

We Told You So. (WTYS)

“It is really all of humanity that is under threat during a pandemic,” Dr. Chan said. “We do not have all the answers right now. But we will get them.” (nytimes)

We have all the answers: Half the world will be dead. There will be no more bees and "Generation A" will repopulate the world.

Goodbye Twitter! Good News Wednesday XX...Something.

For all of you that think twitter's, and their stupid bird logo, 140 character limit causes "tweets" to be a bit too long of a read.. here comes flutter. 26 characters to say what you need to say. Who needs more than 26 characters anyway.

If this EIGN post were on flutter it would read like this: "fuck twitter. flutter!"

We'll Never See It Coming - Good News Wednesday XXXIX

Continuing yesterday's theme of stars out to destroy us, some Australian astronomers believe there is a star out there that may be poised to destroy all life on this planet. Wolf-Rayet 104, a star that's in the process of going SUPERNOVA, is at a right angle with the Earth. Okay, I know everyone hates math and astronomy, but bare with me. The right angle means that when the star finally implodes in on itself all the radiation shoots right at us. At the speed of light.

So keep those eyes peeled for gamma rays and, by all means, stay out of their way... oh, right, we'll never see them coming. That's the good news. That and the fact that it may not happen for hundreds of thousands of years.

The dailygalaxy.com writes: "The EM-burst travels the speed of light so the only warning we'd have is dying - which most people will accept is a little too late." Only a little?

2012 Comes Early

2011, according to the Washington Post, may be the year society as we know it changes completely.

"Electric power grids, communications and navigation systems (including GPS), and satellites (including weather) could be damaged beyond repair for many years. The consequences could be devastating for commerce, transportation, agriculture and food stocks, fuel and water supplies, human health and medical facilities, national security, and daily life in general." (wapo)

Thanks to Solar storms, we could be in for an immediate and drastic change. "...millions of Americans are dead and the nation's infrastructure lies in tatters. The World Bank declares America a developing nation..." And 2012 comes a bit early. Maybe it won't be the LHC that kills us after all. (new scientist via wapo)

Happy tuesday!

[image via nasa]

You're IN! - Good News Wednesday XXXVIII

Congratulations!!!

If you applied to the University of California San Diego this year, you got in. The university apparently sent out an acceptance e-mail welcoming all 48,000 applicants to the school. Turns out they meant to send it out only to the 17,000+ that were actually accepted. Oops.

UPDATE 3:49pm
Private schools are admitting more people--good news for you idiots out there but bad news for you actual ivy-leaguers--due to the recession.

Legal Twittering

How about getting served court papers by Twitter. Sounds Awesome, right? Well one court in New Zealand already allows it to happen via facebook, and they're sizing up the 160 character micro-blog site as their next means of screwing you over. I've railed against twitter before to my friends (yes, EIGN writers do actually have friends contrary to popular opinion), but I don't think we've taken up the topic of how Twitter is destroy the minds of the youth (and adults) of the world...

"Yesterday in the High Court, associate Judge David Gendall approved the serving of a court order via Facebook... Judge Glendall’s decision followed a similar move by an Australian judge in December, which saw a mortgage-defaulting couple notified via Facebook that they had lost their home." (nbr.co.nz)

How'd you like that? Login to check if any long lost elementary school girlfriends have written on your wall and you find out you've lost your house. Talk about the biggest Fuck You I can think of. Looks like someone didn't just write on their online wall either.

No More Bird Shit On Your Car - Good News Wednesday XXXVII

Great news for car owners out there who hate the bird shit that consistently piles up on roofs, windows, hoods, heads, etc.... One-third of American birds are endangered, threatened or seriously losing habitat. (discover mag)

Now I won't have to go to the car wash as much.


[Thanks go to eign co-founder pete for finally doing something and sending in this story while he's on the road.]

God We Love The Telegraph: Eat Meat, Go Blind / End Days by 2030.

The telegraph.co.uk has provided us with some great stories over the last year but to come across two this perfect in one day is lucky even for us.

First!
Too much red meat may lead to blindness. I've apparently has eaten way too much red meat in my life, even though I gave it up for 15 months a few years ago. "Researchers have shown that those who consume 10 portions or more a week are nearly 50 per cent more likely to experience deterioration of the retina in old age." ... "In contrast, those who ate chicken at least 3.5 times a week were around 57 per cent less likely to have vision loss than those who ate it 1.5 times a week." (telegraph.co.uk)
Chicken? Really? Fuck chicken! Someone find us a cow!

Second!
Professor John Beddington, the chief scientist of the government of the United Kingdom, said recently that the growing world population is creating a demand on food and liquid resources that we may not be able to sustain after 2030.

"There's not going to be a complete collapse, but things will start getting really worrying if we don't tackle these problems. My main concern is what will happen internationally, there will be food and water shortages." (telegraph.co.uk again)

Awesome. Turns out curing world hunger causes people to live longer... and then they can't be fed. Weird how that works out.

Hollywood and the Large Hadron Collider

We haven't been keeping up with the incoming press releases, or anywhere really, from CERN lately, (note to self: Check fax machine more) and this one isn't anything to write home about, but it bares mention.

Do you know who Tom Hanks is? How about Ayelet Zurer or Ron Howard? They are from Hollywood. And they were visiting the LHC a few months ago to unveil some footage from their upcoming movie "Angels and Demons."

"'The fact that Angels & Demons is a best-selling novel and now a Hollywood movie gives us the opportunity to show how exciting the reality of antimatter research is,' said CERN Research Director Sergio Bertolucci." (cern press release)

No. It's not. The Reality of Anti-Matter Releaserch is Not Exciting. It is terrifying. I know it. Hollywood now knows it. Why can't you open your eyes? Please don't kill us.

Snippets: Free Coffee, Trading Cards, My Bionic Eye

A few brief friday notes:  

*How to make a million bucks in a capitalistic economy. Let customers decide how much to pay for their coffee. Idiots.

*American Idol Trading Cards. Are you FKM (Fucking Kidding Me)? There is nothing else we could possibly say about this.

*Remember the Bionic Eye we've talked about a few times? Well this guy got one, and it sort of works.

Twitter This.

FYI, unlike the rest of the world, you can not find EIGN on Twitter. [Although, maybe that would be a good idea. -ed] But you can now find Rupert Murdoch's Sky News there. They've hired a twitter corespondent to keep you abreast on late breaking news on twitter.

A Seattle paper just folded, but fear not world, you can now get your news in 140 characters or less.

Can anyone else hear society getting dumber by the second?

Believe In God! Lower Your Anxiety -- Good News Wednesday XXXVI

Good news if you're religious. You're probably less anxious than your heathen peers (if you even have any).

"'Religion offers an interpretative framework to understand the world. It lets you know when to act, how to act, and what to do in specific situation,' says Michael Inzlicht, a neuroscientist at the University of Toronto, Scarborough, who led the new study. 'It provides a kind of blueprint on how to interact with the world.'" (newscientist.com)

And based on the world interactions caused by Religion over the last 2000 years, similar blueprints may include the design of the first atomic bomb, the combination of alcohol and automobiles, and the United States public education system.

The article goes on to conclude: "Religious belief offers one thing that sports and politics don't. "I think religion offers the ultimate explanation," Inzlicht says, "for what happens after we leave."

Leave where?

The Little Collider That Could

Because of the "explosion" in September at the LHC we haven't had much in the way of high energy particle physics stories recently. But I came across this little jewel in the washington post today. "The Holy Grail of Physics" talks about the atom smasher Fermi Lab, right here in America's backyard, and about scientists apparent never ending quest to waste money find something important.

Apparently they are getting closer to finding, or not finding, the Higgs boson particle.

"After many years of smashing together protons and anti-protons and searching through the subatomic wreckage, the scientists say they've been able to reduce the range of possible masses of the theoretical Higgs. They are hoping that their collider, the Tevatron, may yet tweeze a Higgs from the flotsam of atomic debris before the Large Hadron Collider, the Europeans' new, balky collider near Geneva, manages to find it." (wapo)

"Europeans' new, balky collider"... Take THAT Europe!

Green Bullets: The Environmentally Friendly Way To Kill Someone

Last May we talked about environmentally friendly bombs. I guess the next logical progression is Eco-friendly, or "green", bullets.

"Three years ago, Phillip Loughlin made a choice he knew would brand him as an outsider with many of his fellow hunters:
He decided to shoot "green" bullets."

Thank God for people like Mr. Loughlin! But wait.... it gets better:

"It made sense," Loughlin said of his switch to more environmentally friendly ammo, which doesn't contain lead. "I believe that we need to do a little bit to take care of the rest of the habitat and the environment -- not just what we want to shoot out of it." (cnn) (my italics)

And let's leave it to the NRA for final thoughts on the subject: Green bullets are a way the "liberal" elite are trying to take guns away from people. God damn it, those guys are fucking idiots. I'm sorry I can't construct a better argument and that I'm just contributing to name-calling and thoughtless insults that the internet is so famous for, but does something like this even justify me wasting any more time trying to come up with a thoughtful, critical and constructive argument about why they are so fucking stupid? Short answer: No. Long answer: no fucking way.

Happy tuesday.

Brief Update- Stem Cell, EDT, Less Girl Scout (Cookies)

We haven't forgotten you. Everyone has just been out of town. One to the great white north, the other to the great white beaches of the carribean and one just checked out in his head. (Sorry about this)

We're back with a few bits of updates from the past few days. And hopefully a more detailed (or, knock-on-wood, funny) post at some point.

*President Obama is in the process as I write this of overturning Bush-the-Great's ban on stem cell research. "President Barack Obama is ending former President George W. Bush's limits on using federal dollars for embryonic stem cell research, with advisers calling the move a clear signal that science — not political ideology — will guide the administration." Sure, science, that's what they all say. It's like statistics, 95 percent of the time you can make them say whatever you want. (ap via sfgate)

*Old man accidentally hits a number of girls selling Girl Scout cookies outside of a grocery store in california. No word if he was pissed about them putting fewer cookies in each box. (sfgate, chicago sun times)

*Daylight Saving Time actually causes an increased amount of energy use. After extending it by a month in 2005, this Bush initiative will probably be repealed by Obama as well. (sciam)

HIV In Monkeys

File this under SCIENTISTS ARE FUCKING CRAZY.

Scientists have made an HIV strain that can infect monkeys. First of all, I thought HIV/AIDS came from monkeys originally. But this sounds a bit cruel. They say it's to try and find a human vaccine, but... really?

"Scientists have created a strain of the human AIDS virus able to infect and multiply in monkeys in a step toward testing future vaccines in monkeys before trying them in people, according to a new study." (reuters)

This just doesn't sound like a great idea. Does anyone think this is actually a good thing?

Song Against Sex

According to a new study from the University of Pittsburgh, "Teens who prefer popular songs with degrading sexual references are more likely to engage in intercourse or in pre-coital activities." (upi)

Good thing I listened to these guys growing up--or wait, maybe that's why....

Global Warming Can Suck It - Good News Wednesday XXXV

Take this environmentalists!

A satellite that was designed to monitor carbon dioxide (that molecule that causes "global warming") somehow crashed into the ocean before it reached orbit. I say "somehow" because it's obvious that someone sabotaged this thing to prevent all those crazy liberal environmentalists from getting proof that global warming is real. Not that it actually is--everyone knows that this satellite would just manufacture data that scientists could spin to produce the results they want. Not today NASA, not today. Good try though. And thanks for wasting $278 million of my dollars on this little science project crash test of yours. (wapo)

Wow. I went a little overboard with the italics today, didn't I?

Update On Your Teeth

We talked about this a few months ago.

Looks like they found the gene to regrow teeth. You can stop flossing..... now. (dailymail.co.uk)

Social Networking Could Kill You

"People's health could be harmed by social networking sites because they reduce levels of face-to-face contact, an expert claims." (bbc.co.uk)

We sort of talked about this stuff a few weeks ago, but this version of the story, via the bbc, adds a few more terrifying quotes that I wanted to share.

Dr. Aric Sigman, the author of the study the story referenced, is quoted extensively in the article:

Dr Sigman also argues using electronic media undermines people's social skills and their ability to read body language.

"One of the most pronounced changes in the daily habits of British citizens is a reduction in the number of minutes per day that they interact with another human being," he said.

"In less than two decades, the number of people saying there is no-one with whom they discuss important matters nearly tripled."

Dr Sigman says he is "worried about where this is all leading".(bbc.co.uk)

So are we.

I wonder if writing a blog counts as "social-networking." [yes, it does -.ed]
Shit.

the internet makes things go viral. like this picture.

good morning.
Question: Did you overindulge this weekend? eat too much? party too much? drink too much? If so take a look at this picture and maybe next weekend you'll think twice before stuffing your face with all those wings and guinness.



[click on me and I get bigger, really]

this is what we've come to.
and this is clearly where it ends.

remember kids: everything in moderation...
...and for the love of god, remember to fucking walk once in a while.

[image via somewhere via reddit.com]

Global Warming + Asteroid = Death... Asteroid + Nothing = Just Annoying.

A gigantic asteroid isn't enough. Turns out you need a gigantic asteroid AND GLOBAL WARMING to cause a mass extinction. Who knew? Given what's been "happening" with "global warming" the last few "years" it looks like we're close. Come on asteroid, where are you?

According to discovery news,

"In a recent paper in the journal Paleobiology, [Nan Arens] and colleague Ian West argue that there are two types of events that can cause extinctions -- "pulses" (quick, deadly shocks, like comets) and "presses" (drawn-out stresses that push ecosystems to the brink but may not kill outright, like million-year-long volcanic eruptions)." The chances of mass dyings go way up when both happen together, argues Arens.

So those idiots that said the dinosaurs were killed by a comet were partially right, and the people that said the dinosaurs were killed by global warming were partially right. But that idiot that said they were killed by cigarettes was way off.

Step On A Crack...

Break your mother's... planet.

Cracks in the Earth--okay not the kind in sidewalks--may be contributing to global warming, according to discovery news.

Whether devastating faults, dank caves or mud cracks on a drying desert plain, Earth's surface is riddled with fractures. Now a new study had found that the cracks exhale large quantities of gas, perhaps enough to affect global warming. (discovery.com)

So it's not all because of my giant SUV. Take that environmentalists!


In other news, the Earth may be looking at another mass extinction. More on that tomorrow.

Nuclear Submarines Collide In FAO; People Are Fat; Facebook should be renamed Fakebook

+Our apologies to our loyal reader(s?) for the lack of posts the last few weeks. I have been going over a large backlog of stories I have just waiting to be discussed here but have been lacking the time to post due to a variety of reasons- my real job probably being at the top of the list.

Anyway. Here are a few weekend snippets for your earth is about to go nova reading pleasure terror.

*The obese now outnumber the overweight. (reuters)

*There are an increasing large number of impostors on facebook. Wait, is cnn trying to tell us that people like to forge fake identities on the internet? Holy shit! Who would do such a thing? Watch out everyone!!! (cnn)

*A British and a French nuclear submarines collided in the Atlantic Ocean earlier this month. The Fucking Atlantic Ocean (FAO). What are the odds of hitting someone else in that much water? And they were NUCLEAR submarines. Jesus. Seriously. Jesus. We're doomed. (AP via sfgate)

Guest Post: I <3 Nerds

[ed. note: Occasional EIGN Guest Contributor jg3 has this Good News Wednesday piece for us]

We have long known that the brain is the body's largest sex organ, and knowing how to use it and manipulate it results in superior intercourse. But we were encouraged to learn of a report published by researchers at Elon University shows that women prefer men with brains over brawn. The study covered women seeking one night of nooky and also long term partners. In both cases women preferred minds over muscles. And who can blame them, really?

It is thought that even dumb, hot chicks have the evolutionary wiring to prefer those mates who can provide for their family, the cleverness to make them laugh, and the intelligence to understand that buying a dozen overpriced roses for valentine's day is a crock of shit.

That's not to say that you can quit jogging and just sit in the Science Club and expect a line to form, fatso. All other things being equal (which they never are), attractiveness still wins, but cleverness does go a long way.

Which explains why I always keep my copy of New Scientist open on the floor in front of me while I do my hundredpushups.

And if you do happen to drop the little fact that tomorrow is Charles Darwin's birthday on some sweet lady at the pub tonight and she takes you home for a roll in the hay, you can thank us later.

[image via google images]

[jg3 is the creative force behind the hilarious, if rarely updated, slack-hacker blog. Do yourself a favor and read it now. It is way funnier than this site.]

Good News Monday - Large Hadron Collider Restart Date Pushed Back Even Further

It now appears the most expensive failed science project ever, CERN's Large Hadron Collider, isn't going to start up until "Late 2009" according to scientific american.

"According to CERN, some of the magnets in the LHC's 17-mile-long tunnel will not be ready for testing until September" (sciam.com)

Even better, "...the LHC would run at an energy of five trillion electron-volts (5 TeV) per beam, down from its design energy of 7 TeV, until fall 2010."

EIGN at Borders

We here at Earth Is Going Nova often wonder why we're not more popular. We've been at it almost a year, we have actual content (over 200 posts), we're (occasionally) funny, and we find funny and scary stories that you don't see on the front page of cnn or the new york times. And we counter our normal pessimistic, depressing stories with Good News on Wednesdays.

But maybe our day will be coming soon. I was just browsing around Borders on a nice day in February and came across this end-of-row special display.

It appears that as December 21, 2012 gets closer people are starting to pay more attention. (We've been paying attention since the beginning and, actually, 12-21-2012 was the genesis of this blog.)

At Least You're Not A Teenage Girl - Good News Wednesday XXXIV

Do you like texting? Do you like facebook? Do you like obsessing over your failures in relationships while texting and using facebook? Are you a teenage girl?

If you answer yes to these questions than it isn't Good News Wednesday for you. But if you answer no to any of these questions then you may not be depressed! Good for you!

According to a report out of Stony Brook University in New York, via an article in the telegraph.co.uk, "Girls can be prone to anxiety and depression by talking too much to their friends through texting, email and social networking sites such as Facebook." (times.co.uk)

"Repeated conversations among adolescent girls, known as co-rumination, can be unhelpful, particularly if it is about romantic disappointments.

Frequently discussing the same problem can intensify into an unhealthy activity for those who use Facebook and other electronic means to obsess about it, according to the researchers." (teletgraph.co.uk)

So, since I'm one of the last people on the planet not on facebook, I'm feeling pretty good about myself this wednesday. The fact that I am not a teenage girl also helps.